The Not So Back of My Mind

I don't know how to say this. Other than saying it, however it comes out. 
I wasn't sad today or tonight. 
There is paint all over my hands and my room. It took up some time. 
Now I'm crying. And I want a cigarette. 
And I realized that now when I cry I reach for a lighter instead of the phone like I used to. 
I'm just so tired of saying it. 


But I never said this...


I wouldn't have done anything differently. 
Your life scares me. For you. Not me. I'm fine. 
Please take care of yourself. 
Please ask for help. 
Please work through and don't just get around. 
I miss you, I think. 
You're as scared as I am. 
I am so fucking scared for and worried about you.
You're in danger of talking too much. 
Fuck you. But I don't mean it whole heartedly yet.