Wednesday, March 23, 2011

"Stay What You Are"

Sometimes I get this feeling right before I fall asleep that I need to silently weep until I drift into whatever semi-unconscious state my body accepts as sleep. I get a lump in my throat, I choke on each breath.


But there's nothing to weep for anymore. No tears come to soak my pillow. It's just habit. A bad one. And I've spent the last few months breaking some bad habits I recognized a little bit too late. The trees are showing their leaves again. There are plans. There are roughly 3,000 miles between where I am and where I'll be. I am in love again, but in a new way. A better way. The most honest way.


There's much to smile about these days and smiling has always been foreign to me. I've saved them, but I've started to give them more freely. Not because anyone asked, but because they are deserving.


I don't know what to do with happiness, but I'm learning.
My hands are full and my grasp is just right. 

Friday, March 11, 2011

It's been a little while...

     Oliver and I were at the vet this morning. He's almost a year overdue for his shots. I sat in the waiting room trying to think of a good excuse to give the receptionist because I was sure she was going to scold me for being such a horrible parent. It's bad enough he hasn't had a haircut in a month and has to crane his neck upward in order to see anything since his hair is covering his eyes. I've had somewhat of  a rough year, give me a break. 
     So, I'm sitting on a seat I'm sure had been recently peed on, and subsequently disinfected, looking down into Oliver's sad little shaky face when I became aware of the loudest woman in the entire world. Of course she had three small dogs with her. Of course they all had horrible ailments, that of course I wanted to know all about. And yes, she was wearing a zebra print hoodie with what are commonly known as "yoga pants," but couldn't possibly have been what she needed them for since she was wearing a knee brace and I'll just leave out the part about her being shockingly overweight. I have a feeling her knee brace was from some sort of injury she was trying to get workman's comp to cover. She just seemed like the type. 
     Oliver and I remained quiet in the corner observing the other patients, and let's face it, if he's anything like me, making silent jokes about them, and judging the dog who peed on the scale, twice. I was trying to will Oliver to stop shaking with my mind because the voice I talk to him in is inappropriate for public and makes me look just as bad as zebra lady, who, I should add, had been talking about Sally's diabetes for close to 20 minutes. The topic soon changed to a tsunami in Japan, which I had no idea about because if I'm going to be honest I rarely know what's going on in the world and I have no excuse for it. Concern for Japan quickly turned to a concern for Palmdale.
     "What the fuck?" you say.
      Right. I have no idea why zebra lady and the lady with the chihuahua/poodle hybrid would suddenly get a sentimental look in their eyes when expressing their gratitude that this desert is so dry and disgusting, but they did. "That's why I love it here," Zebra said shifting a sleepy dog on her lap, "there's no drama." Because a tsunami is drama. Because I wake up and thank God every day that there are no tsunami's in the Antelope Valley. Give me a break. 
     It should be noted that a woke up in a nostalgic, bitter mood this morning. Whether it was the bad dreams I've been having or just impatience I started to feel a little bit lost. But, at the moment this horrid conversation was taking place, while Oliver huddled next to me in the corner I remembered all my plans and felt good, no, great even. And when zebra lady blew out the door, making an awful ruckus everything made perfect sense, except the Antelope Valley with it's abundance of dog wielding ladies in tight pants.